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Facts and Stats

This alert reader makes light of her annual recap. We changed the names to protect the innocent.

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01 A practical joke
02 My grandparents die
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07 Facts and Stats
08 Neiheisel Review
09 Family and Horses
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Dear Family and Friends,

Well, Albert quit his job of 25 years at ABC Corp, we sold our house, pulled the kids out of school, and are moving to a commune in Montana to grow organic food, raise animals, and live in peace with the universe. Ok, maybe not . . . changed our minds once we realized there was no indoor plumbing. Anyway we wanted to start this letter with something more interesting than the obligatory "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!" (Doh! It still got in!).

For those of you saying "but Bonnie, your Christmas letter is the most exciting part of my family's Christmas celebration and we look forward to it with joyful glee and anticipation" - please get a life! OK . . . this section's for you . . . the usual facts/stats about kids, animals, etc. - or, as Albert says, "the blah blah part." You are welcome to skip this section and jump to the "with love" part if you want.

Smith family 2005 facts and stats (read in a monotone gives you the full effect).

  • Albert: still at ABC Corp and after 25 years he got the watch! Current client is XYZ (yawn, eyes begin to flutter and glaze over), became a certified soccer referee for Elizabeth's team (just not getting enough verbal abuse at home so being a soccer referee is the quickest way to get more abuse . . . all ref calls are wrong in some parent's eye - but don't mess with me, I have a red card and know how to use it).

  • Barbara: Substitute teaching math grades 6-12 and slapping kids when they act up . . . I mean handles them with her tough-love. Coached Elizabeth's soccer team, elected President of the Board of Directors for our association (just means she listens to homeowners complain), and continues her love of Bon-Bons and watching Oprah (I hope she skips this part when she edits).

  • Charles is now an adult (or as Dorothy says . . . "it's jail, not Juvie now baby!"). Chuck (his preferred moniker) had his senior prom this year, graduated from high school in June, received a $500 dollar memorial scholarship award from his school and was recognized by his staff manager with the outstanding student of the year award. He started college this fall and was working at a local theatre (just put in his two week notice but does not have another job lined up, so stay tuned to our soap opera "As the money runs out").

  • Dorothy: is in high school, prepping (me) for College (spending), taking AP classes, SATs and all the stress related things needed to get to college. She is dancing (me to the poor house) 4 nights a week (actually I'm spending her college money on her dance lessons but don't tell her that . . . she can get student loans and graduate with $100,000 in debt like her peers and get a job paying $25K a year so she should have her student loan paid off around her 59th birthday). She performed in POM (cheerleading / dance performance) and played percussion with her high school Jazz Band.

  • Elizabeth: is in Nth grade and loves school. She played baseball (only girl on the team) and joined the swim team and enjoyed both tremendously. She played soccer again this year and dropped dance mid- year to focus on Gymnastics. She has advanced to the "blue" level (kids are much older than her). Signed up for girls' softball (decided to be on a team "with no boys" - too icky for her . . . you know boys and baseball . . . spitting, chewing, scratching, daisy-picking).

  • Animal Farm: On a more somber note both dogs (Rover and Lady) were put down this year. Rover had serious shoulder and leg issues to the point he could not get up and down the stairs at all. Just a month later Lady was diagnosed with cancer, which overtook her body quickly. Losing animals is always hard but losing two in such a short time is additionally difficult. The three cats are fun and everyone enjoys playing with them and having them snuggle in bed with us.

Ok . . . now before you go to sleep we do wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year in 2006!

With Love and "Affliction,"

Albert, Bonnie, Charles, Dorothy, Elizabeth, Rudolph, Dancer, Prancer, etc . . .

[Written and contributed by Steve A. of Concord, California.]

This is one page of over four dozen devoted to Christmas news letters. The main Christmas News Letters page has links to more examples, plus some general guidelines and specific suggestions for writing Christmas news letters. If you have an example, either good or bad, that you'd like to share with the rest of the world, send it to me and I'll add it to these pages.

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This page updated: June 21, 2014